Choke On This

Ever felt like ya didn't kno you were bottlin up shit?
once ya figure out ya are, its hard to stop sayin shit you dont want ppl knowin.

Big mouth? ya
Screwin shit up wit it too,
Happy Independence Day:

people headin to jail gonna rat someone out, openin my big mouth, cryin, pukin, relationship probs for everyone.

Fuck America. I love it, I praise it but FUCK IT!

Im so tired. Of havin no one to talk to, and the only person that will listen is the one person who've everyones been hidin shit from.
Im too stressed, I need a fucken friend someone to talk to in person someone to cry with because apparently guys arn't too big for
the whole cryin thing here.

Im going insane, I can't stop anything I do is completely stupid...I DONT DO THIS SHIT...WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!
I used to always be stressed and ready to get up and go somewhere but now its like well fuck wtf do I do?
Im scared im not ready to move out...

I've only been here for a month or a lil over a month...and look wats happenin...Im about to explode...
thought I already did...apparently that was jus the spark b4 the flame.
Im scared to blow up around people I know dont know me...they might not even care.

I think im a nice person at least? I feel like im moldin way too much into the "new" american aspects.

I dont know if Im prepared for this, for stress, for shit that i've never had to worry about...
I keep tellin myself its only cuz im not used to this country well HELL IM NOT!

why did I fall in love. I never learn that love and mallory dont fit together forever.
I dont know what to do. I can't do anything. I just want to curl up right now and forget.
drink a lil more, get fucked up, and forget. EVERYTHING.

Thats the first sign of a addict or someone with a problem isn't it? the fact of usin something else to cover up the fact that you can't face it.

Im ready for things to hit with full movin force. not ready but lets just say Im not goin to be surprise.
thats life for me. i should b used to it by now, but it always happens right when I put my gaurd down.
now im sittin here like a lost puppy in the rain.

I dont understand how it got this way...
14 NOW 15 fucken days...THATS ALL,
and shits goin like we've been datin for 3 months...

you dont fight about shit like that,
and have problems talkin to the other person all of a sudden 14 days into a goddamn relationship.
but wtf do I kno...Im not in KOREA. right? I keep hearin that I kno im not, but its all i kno.

Im tired of fucken keep shit bottled up cuz now I hav a history and now I gotta deal with everything.
and Im not prepared to be put out like a bad person...or a pussy. I just dont want fucken drama,
I just got out of that shit in the city. Why the fuck would I want to fucken deal with urban drama?
thats the thing with urban drama tho, you step in that like shit on the fucken sidewalk.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH;SADLKFAJL;FDJ;SDJLKFJ;L

Im temped to take another fucken anti-depressent but that wouldn't b smart.
nope not one lil bit. lets hope this is all after period hormones...

I just dont know what move to make next.

everyone looks at me like this is normal shit...WELL ITS NOT IN MY FUCKEN PLACE.
this is allllll fucken new, I dont know these people.
I fuck up wit em' I get shit on my back why the fuck am I in this shit.

Im alone...thats what fucked with me with david...
wtf? ok he says he isn't like my fucken ex.

I WAS FUCKEN NEGLECTED..and used.
and now im in a relationship after somethin serious happens,
and I feel ignored.
I understand other things were happenin at the time, but wtf?

I dont want to feel this way,
I just feel fucken hurt for no goddamn reason...

THIS ISN'T ME, this isn't how I fucken act.
jus so used to fighten, so used to startin crap
cuz I want him to show me how much he loves me.

well after that lil word was thrown out there shit didn't stay sweet for too much longer
then it was like ok well now we got that out why do I hav to show it.

I didn't even think about it till leah told me
14 days we're supposed to still b sweet and holdin each other all the damn time
no 14 days and Im feelin like a house wife, or a girlfriend that never even understands whats goin on...

IM NOT USED TO THAT...people tell me everything, I should know everything

well I guess no cuz apparently I got a big mouth...FUCK FUCK FUCK
I jus fuck up everything.

not as bad as jonjon but still jus as much.
thing thats drivin me crazy tho,
is this is supposed ot help gettin it all out there...
gettin it out of my head...
its not...
cuz I jus keep repeatin the same shit over and over again...

this is how my brain is workin...
its fucked...
and I jus wanna drink everythin away...
and never sober up...
THIS IS WHY ALCOHOLICS DRINK...
because when you sober up you start noticin how people act,
and because ur always drunk people start lookin at you differently...

in Korea you wake up and everythings over with
no point in livin in the past.
here...it drags out...
and I HATE IT.

I want to scream that Im british and 19 and get away with it again.
I want to not care wat ppl think.
but I do Im new here...and people dont kno me...
barely if anything heard about me.

ugh...

FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCKIT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCKIT...

AND FLY CUZ ITS ALL THE GODAMN FUCKEN SAME...

asdkfj;al;fdja;fdj;fjal;fdjcmalc k;'K p;faj;ajdl;ajfdl;safjo;IL;AJFDAL;FDJA ;DAFSD

'AFDJA

FJSAD;FJ AL;FDJS

ASDFAFSD

AJSAD;

FJ

ASD;JASDFIAJF

AFSD

AFJSAD

Mal<3

Multipule Faces

North Carolina

• I'm the calm quiet girl
• doesn't start fights
• from the city
• a bit of a couch potato
• shitty lungs
• smokes too much
• cowboy killer smoker
• dated Jonjon
• Engaged to Johnny
• Sister to Kelly Fowler
• In love with Jonjon
• extremely different from the rest of them

Seoul, South Korea

Clubbing:

•  Just turned 19
• goes to bars SOHO, and Queens
• Bisexual that goes to gay bars
• lies bout age really 18 *cough*
• meet gay friend Dylan at Unvirsity
• Only lived in Brit a year
• from Whales
• British girl
• lived in korea for 6 years
• went to SFS
• live with friends
• teach english to kids
• meet bi-curious friend Cristal while teachin english
• new to Itaewon
• Usually partys in Sinchon/Hongdae
• Majors in Phycology, and law

school wise:

• Blond girl with a lot of peircings
• crazy
• tattoos
• failing
• dropping out
• smoker
• druggy and drunky
• SAHS student
• party girl
• friends with the most random people
• GED

for friends:

• smart
• always there for them
• can tell if your lieing
• has a bunch of problems but knows a lot of people
• can help anyone
• very loyal
• very socialable
• the perfect friend
• here to talk
• can read people very well
• great at lieing
• agrues a shit load and always wins

Military/real life

Johnny:

• The perfect girl
• punk
• listens to coheed
• military girl
• a bit mysterious
• a bit confused
• random as fuck

real me:

• Engaged to Johnny, and love him
• still in love with Jonjon
• fucks people over quite a lot w/o people knowing
• don't usually hav to pay for much
• has too much emotion and anxiety over peoples feelings
• wants to move to NC to become normal
• reads everyone before judging
• becomes nervous very easily
• becomes stressed and pissy very easily and doesn't know why
• hav OCD big time, and it embaresses me but stresses me out
• has panic attacks over having too much
• it seems like no one can forget me
• stutters and fucks up a shit load without anyone noticing
• feels like a fuck up
• wants to be a phycologist because I can read people very well
• wants to be a lawyer because I love to debate, and argue
• is constantly thinking
• wants to forget and move on and live her own life

Nobody knows me, at all...and I feel like i'm living so many different life styles...and i'm tired!

Brain Map

Ok here I go.

I'm in Savannah, G.A. I've been here for at least 2 and a half weeks well 2 weeks but we leave on the half mark.

well I can't handle it. I've been talking to myself smoking a shit load less than I use too, and not drinking or drugs or ANY-FUCKEN-THING...this is the most clean I've been since this time LAST summer. seriously. Everywhere I go I hav depressing thoughts my depression has kicked in hard.

Well I read this book called "Its kind of a funny story" with this kid who is going through some what of what I've been going through, and he describes his good and bad things and tenticals and Ancors.

Ancors=what makes you happy and stable
Tenticals=Things that stress you out

my depression has hit a point where I stopped caring but now that everything I stress out about is taken away...I know once it all comes flooding back I'm gonna hav panic attacks all over again. Theyare willing to priscribe me Paxil. Not something I want to do but hey why not I hav nothing to loose...I loose everything every year anywayz...why not right? fuck idk.

The guy was creepy though everytime he would laugh and say "but I really do think you are depressed..." and I would sit there and go yea...I told you that already...I mean seriously I've been depressed when I first understood ppl where talking bout how funny I looked at the age of 9. Its not like I didn't learn things and then all of a sudden my parents thought it was a BRIGHT idea to send me to Anger Managment...and so I went forcefully and not told I was going. and the guy said I had signs of depression, of corse my rents didn't want to believe anything could be there fault or that I had it, so I was switched to some bitch who didn't listen to a word I said...and basically said over and over again "Mallory you got to stop blamming other people its YOUR fault.". HOW can you fucken tell a child that? huh? its not like i had enough shit going on...people making fun of me all year and all that shit but now...it was MY fault that people were making fun of ME....FUCK!

anywayz...I am going insane this year I hav been drinking and smoking and doing drugs every week or sometimes even more...and now I'm stuck here in well Ellebell, GA with nothing to do. I'm tired of this shit ya know? my ancors were my friends, they kept me busy and smoking and doing SHIT and now i'm not doing anything and nobodys here, and I havn't talked to ppl my age since GOD KNOWS WHEN! and I'm fucken loosing it.

I sat out on my cousins husband's boat during the 4th of july today, and watched the fire works. My aunt and her husband were there, my parents, and my cousin and her husband...Isat alone being the only single and youngest. and I just wanted to shoot myself. I hated it. I felt so lonely and depressed andit just fucked things up. I'm loosing it. I have cut myself for the first time in a year. and I wanted to do it again, and again. but I didn't (I wouldn't have been able to explain that). Its like finding a drug that relieves you from everythign and then having it sit right in front of you and you CAN'T use it...its a fucke ntase and I just want to have cuts all over my body. and lie there hopping I'll bleed to death.

My mom says she cares all the fucken time. But when I ask her to do something that will prevent me having a panic attack orgetting depressed she tells me to suck it up. THIS IS WHY I DON'T WANT TO GO ON THAT SHIT! I'm tired of sitting here and being depressed but I don't want to be a apthetic whore bag like her or everyone else i've known who take it.

ugh but yes these are my problems...

fuck it

Mal<3

Probably the only time I Would acctually L O V E this kid for reaalllzzz

Moving Along

all was hopeless in this home

but nothing has changed

no one speaking

no one creeping

but u werequiet

When you fall everyone sins 

Move along like I know you do

And even when your hope is gone

Another day and you've had your fill of sinking 

With the life held in your Hands